Military Jokes

Navy Navigation This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U. S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.


Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Note: The Navy has issued a press-release stating that this incident never happened -- but that doesn't make it any less humorous.

BAD NEWS

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Aircraft Maintenance logs

echnical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.	Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.	Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.	Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.	Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.	Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.	Cat installed.
Target radar hums.	Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]	Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative.	Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.	Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.	Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.	Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.	Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]	IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.	Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]	Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.	Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.	Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.	Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.	Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.	One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]	DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.	No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.	That's what they are for.