Jokes!!

Each day I get so many really funny jokes and cartoons in the mail and also across the internet, so I thought I'd get them together for easier access. Go ahead, laugh your ass off, after all laughter is the best medicine!!!

Marriage!!

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

*********

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*********

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********

It is difficult to understand GOD . He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

*********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

*********

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

*********

Man receives telegram: Wife dead. should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*********

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

*********

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.

*********

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

*********

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

**********************************************

A Girl's Diary v/s Boy's Diary!!

HER DIARY

Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made
plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was
shopping with my friends
all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,
but he made no
comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so

I suggested that
we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and
absent.I asked
him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if
it was my fault
that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me
and not to worry.


On the way home I told him that I loved
him, he simply
smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his
behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say,


"I love u,too."When we got home I felt
as if I had lost
him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat
there and watched TV.;


he seemed distant and absent.Finally I
decided to go to
bed. About 10
minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not
take it anymore,


so I decided to confront him with the
situation but he
had fallen asleep.I
started crying and cried until I too
fell asleep.
I don't know what to do.


I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone
else. My life is a
disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match

against Bangladesh.

DAMN IT !!!



NOW that's called

Simplicity of Men
V / s
Complexity of Women !!!

**********************************************

Monkey Business!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

**********************************************

Thats India!!

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German Hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that........

• the electric chair does not work,
• someone has stolen all the nails from the bed
• and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

**********************************************

Blonde Jokes!!

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

**********************************************

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

**********************************************

Helping an overweight blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

**********************************************

Helping a blonde lose weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

**********************************************