The cop asks her for her license and registration. She says, "License, what's that?"
He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor."
She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license.
Then she asks what a registration is. He says, "It's probably in your glove box. Just open it and give me the papers inside." She does, so he returns to his car.
He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was."
The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors."
The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?"
The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants."
The cop says, "No freakin' way!"
The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it."
So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants.
The blonde woman says, "Another breathalyser test? No problem, I pass these all the time."
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?'" Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'"
'Nope', she replies.
Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"
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Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
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